So, Jake the Snake, what's your problem, bru?
I think the romance is dying, Harold.
Ah, the fires of passion do burn down at some stage, Jake. You can hang around and get the guilt presents, bru – like some flowers and choccies from NetFlorist – and the pity sex can be nice, but it really is quite sad when you overstay your romantic welcome. And, don't hang around until Valentine's Day... you don't want to be sitting there waiting for the card which will never happen. Good luck and smooches!
Next caller is "Buffalo Soldier". What a butch name, lovey! Wonder if you're as tough as you sound... What's bugging you, dude?
Harold, my former darling just cannot take a hint! It's been ten years but he's carrying a lot of extra weight around these days – 783 bits of extra weight and even more coming. He doesn't laugh as much as he used to and he won't get rid of his irritating friends and, as for his family...let's not go there, please! He's just not lighting my fire any more...
Buffalo, man, you just have to be firm. Nobody respects a wuss, china. Let him know who the man is in this relationship and who wears the pants. And something which always works when you have to dump someone... do it with back-up. So, get a whole bunch of your mates together... call it a committee, maybe. Then you vote and call it democracy. So it's not just you.
Just to make sure, buy him a prickly pear in a vase from NetFlorist and send him a card: Let's just Kiss and say Goodbye! Good luck and hugs, you gorgeous man!
Next up we have Pat from Cape Town. Howzit, sweetie! Believe that's the best place for a dirty weekend. Heh, Heh, Heh (sorry - borrowed that from Jake the Snake). What can possibly be your problem, my dear, in the place run by efficient DA chicks?
Well, Harold, it's all about trust. They don't love me any more. They fell in love with me because I don't take kak. Now they don't like that. No man likes the woman to have bigger balls than him. I am cross and getting tired of doing interviews. So how do I stick it to them on Valentine's Day?
Shu, girl, you one angry sister! But that's seriously sexy! We can't do it here, but I suggest you send them a parcel of sour grapes. You should find plenty of them on the dying vines not far from you. Then send them the Weather Girls CD "It's Raining Men"... and a card which says: "That'll sort out the water problem, because our men are so wet!"
Just make sure, Pat honey, that they catch you out by sending you a CD of "Sisters are doing it to themselves"! Cuddles!
Next up is Bathabile. Oh no...
Harold, nobody loves me... please help!
No, madam, it is not true nobody loves you. To love someone, you have like them first. Nobody likes you and not even Harold and NetFlorist can help you there.
We don't do miracles...
* With a nod to NetFlorist and FCB Johannesburg, as well as Harold. Smooches, cousin.
Originally published here, republished with permission from The Citizen.
